Fan Service or Death
by Quiirky
Summary: L and Light are surrounded by rabid fangirls and must provide fan service in order to escape with their lives. Crack.


After a grueling day of working on the Kira case, L and Light decided that a bit of fresh air and exercise would do them good, so they headed over to the local park. It was a mild spring day and the air was thick with fragrance. After a half an hour of walking, the two young men became sleepy and lethargic. They decided to rest beneath a blooming cherry blossom tree, and soon they both had drifted off into sweet slumber. That was a mistake.

L was the first to snap into consciousness and opened his eyes only to see approximately fifty rabid fangirls encircling Light and himself. Drool was visibly dripping from the mouths of those closest to the resting duo. L stared, opened his mouth and closed it, and then tried again. "Light-kun."

Light groaned in protest and rolled over.

"Light-kun!" L kicked his suspect hard in the ribs. Light sat up, swearing.

"Dammit! What was that for, Ryu- oh my God!"

Light's narrowed eyes widened as his gaze swept across the crowd of yaoi fangirls. It was a terrifying sight to behold.

"What should we do?" Light gasped in fear, grabbing L's hand.

A fangirl foamed at the mouth and dropped over, unconscious. A few of the others swayed.

A light bulb popped up over L's head.

"Light-kun, I've got an idea, but you're not going to like it."

"Anything's better than dying at the hands of forty-nine rabid fans," Light concluded. "That one looks like she bites." He pointed at an aggressive brunette. "So what's your idea?"

"Well, based on what we just witnessed a moment ago, I've deducted that providing fan service for these...people may be our only means of survival."

Light's mouth dropped open. "What do you mean?"

"I thought Light-kun was smarter than he looks," L grunted. "I guess not."

Light scowled.

"When we held hands, one of them fell over and is now unconscious and no longer a threat."

"Oh," said Light. "I see. So perhaps if we do something a little more...you know, then we can nuke the rest at once."

"Correct."

They stared at each other.

"So, Light-kun," L mumbled, "Seduce me." Another fangirl down.

The remaining forty-eight slowly trudged toward L and Light like zombies, their arms outstretched and eyes unblinking.

"I...um...I...I wish I was your cake, Ryuzaki." Another two down, forty-six more to go.

"Then I would have my cake, and eat it too," L replied. Five or six swooned and eventually fell down to the ground, motionless.

"We're doing well, Ryuzaki," Light observed.

"True, Light-kun, but they are closing in on us. We must take drastic measures."

The two stood, looking rather uncomfortable.

"We are wasting time." Light licked his lips nervously. An approaching fangirl panted. "Stay back," Light ordered, stepping in front of L and holding out his hand. This had no effect whatsoever on the girls. Light flapped his arms in desperation.

"What is Light-kun _doing_?" L asked incredulously. He reached out a spidery hand and grabbed Light's ass. Light jumped about two feet in the air.

"Ryuzaki!"

"Look, Light-kun, I just eliminated ten at once."

Light looked and saw ten new fangirls sprawled out on the grass. One was twitching.

"I can do better than that," Light snarled competitively. He wrapped his arms around L's neck and pulled the detective in close. Their lips brushed and L shuddered, wrapping one of his own arms around Light's waist and resting the other hand against the soft flesh of the teen's cheek. There was a sucking noise as both dove into an intense, passionate kiss. Over twenty fangirls emitted gargling noises and dropped over dead.

When L and Light broke the kiss (later than necessary), they were greeted by the sight of one last fangirl. The blonde was so close that they could smell the mix of sweat and sweetness that loomed around her. The sweetness...like chocolate.

L shrieked. "MIHAEL KEEHL?!"

The blonde blinked. "Don't let me interrupt anything. Please continue the fan service."

L just stared in horror. "Mello. Just now I thought you were a girl!"

"I am."

Meanwhile, Light reached into his bag and pulled out the death note. He had written '_Mihael Kee_' before L's attention shifted back to him. L snatched the notebook out of Light's hands.

"Hey!" roared Light. "I was just about to get rid of this last one!"

"Light-kun," L said, leafing through the pages, "You are under arrest for evidence of being the mass murderer Kira."

L twisted Light's arms behind his back and snapped cuffs onto his wrists. Mello moaned and dropped to the ground, his head lolling to the side.


End file.
